Thursday, September 29, 2005
TV! TV! TV!
We are finally into the fall television season. And by “finally”, I mean “Thank the Lord in Heaven abizzle!” If I had to force myself to watch one more episode of So You Think You Can Dance or reruns of Still Standing (ok, like I would EVER bother with Still Standing!), I may have off’d myself with the lone bullet I have sitting next to my bed. Ok, again, like I would have a lone bullet sitting next to my bed. Ok, AGAIN, too many tangents.
The following is a list of purely excellent television. Consider watching these shows if you believe in art and entertainment existing cohesively. And yes, they are ranked in order of excellence (well they were until I got to the end and gave up on that). If you disagree with the shows I’ve chosen, do me a favor and shaddup. I’m not in the mood for that bullshit today.
Lez begin lezzies:
Lost: First and foremost is this absolutely wonderful show from J.J. Abrams. Holy fuck this show is awesome. I’m sure there aren’t many of you that would be ignorant enough to miss this show during the second season. If so, I highly encourage you to stop watching whatever lame shit you’re watching and commit to a show that is not only intriguing, it’s exciting, fast paced and chock full of some of the best acting performances currently on television. There is no chance that I will ever miss an episode of this Emmy Award winning drama and there’s no excuse for you to pretend as though you’ve got something better to do.
Nip/Tuck: True, I jumped on the bandwagon for this show a tad later than the die hard fans. But once I watched the first episode of this season, I was immediately hooked. If Julian McMahon isn’t enough to keep you hooked, I don’t know what is! The man has sex oozing out of his beautiful face. This season, there is a killer on the loose that goes by the name of the “Carver”. He’s creepy and he ass raped my dear Julian (and FX showed it all!). There was no turning away from the television during that bold and shocking scene. Last season, one of the main female characters was revealed as a transsexual and threesomes occur more often that Beverly Hills women go under the knife. Trust me…this show will knock your dainty little socks off.
Desperate Housewives: If you happen to be one of the very few people that don’t watch Lost nor Desperate Housewives, please go flush your head in the toilet out of pure shame. The women from Wysteria Lane are back for more drama and hilarity. The season opener ushered us faithfuls back in with gusto! Is Zach dead or alive? Who the FUCK is Alfre Woodard feeding in her basement? And Marcia Cross’s portrayal of “Bree” should nab her a dozen or so awards in the upcoming year. She’s fierce to the point of excellence. And for those of you that think Eva Longoria is in any way the star of this show, you must immediately pull your head out of the toilet and insert it in your ass. You have so much to learn.
Survivor: Gautemala: There’s a reason why this show still ranks in the Nielson top 10 every week. It’s addictive, good fun, with the best reality casting on television. The challenges have gotten ridiculously dangerous and the players are more cut throat and brutal than ever. I must also mention that fan favorite “Stephanie” is back for a second attempt at the million dollar prize. God, I’ve never loved a woman so much. I’m borderline hetero for that chick. Our host, Jeff Probst, has gotten increasingly smarmy over the years and it’s downright hilarious to watch him verbally berate everyone that crosses his path. It’s not too late to pick up on the Survivor band wagon. Just do it now so that you can get to know the contestants before it really matters.
ER: Having been on the air for more than 10 years, this outstanding series has been under critical scrutiny for losing its edge. If you happened to see the roof collapse at the end of last season, then you know that critics often suck ass. Maura Tierney still reigns supreme and Linda Cardinelli is fast becoming second in line. The writing on this show is still fresh and they are constantly adding wonderful new actors to the line up. Look out for John Leguizamo and Kristen Johnston to join the show this year. If that’s not enough to force you to tune in, then must I remind you again how shocking these episodes turn out to be? Those of us that saw the eye pop out of that guy’s skull last year are still realing from it.
Medium: While I’m not usually one for shows that deal mostly with formulaic plot lines, this show has two things that most other shows don’t. First and foremost is actress Patricia Arquette. She’s always been a favorite of mine and her Emmy win just assured me that her quiet intensity has finally been recognized. Secondly, the show is on at 10pm on Mondays. If you can find something better to watch at that time, you let me know. Each story is wrapped up within an hour and most often, the visuals are stunning. Whoever is directing this series is doing a wonderful job! Not to be forgotten is Jake Weber who does an outstanding job as Patricia’s husband. It’s RARE to find a husband/wife dynamic that is more realistic and believable. I could watch these two sit in a room for an hour and still feel satisfied. I’ve yet to miss a single episode of this series and I’m proud to say that I picked it up on day one due to my utter devotion to everything Arquette (David excluded).
Invasion: The Jury is still out as to whether or not this show is worth it. But the jury is IN on the fact that Eddie Cibrian is a beautiful man that deserves at least the chance at success.
Weeds: “Little Boxes on the Hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky little boxes…” Don’t be one of those people that has Showtime and doesn’t watch Mary Louise Parker steal hearts! Sure, it’s no Queer as Folk, but it’s better than The L Word and also stars Elizabeth Perkins! You’d be crazy not to give this show a chance based on the fact that it’s only a half hour long a week! I take dumps that are longer than that. Who knew marijuana could be so funny and devastating at the same time!? Pack up that bowl, settle in with the munchies and prepare to both laugh AND cry.
South Park: The new season has yet to start, but if I were you (and I am), I would consider catching up on the episodes from last season. Your jaw will hit the floor and sometimes against your own will, you will find yourself laughing so hard that pee comes out. Then the pee will drip on the floor. You may not think that the “Terri Schiavo case”, “Stem cell research”, or the “Special Olympics is funny”, but that’s where you would be wrong. My heart breaks for everything and I STILL find this show hilarious because it doesn’t make any apologies for stepping over the line. The Simpsons used to be the kings of political satire, but that crown goes to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. At least for now. I’ll always hold The Simpsons in my heart of hearts. They’re just in a low period right now.
Ok…that should be enough to keep you all busy for a while. Now, I understand that some people aren’t into television as much as I am. And that’s understandable. We’re not all as pop culturally obsessed as I am. But if you’re someone who doesn’t even OWN a TV (RANDY), then I must immediately slap you for finding better things to do with your time.
Next week…look for the shows that are slowly causing me to cut myself into a million pieces. Meaning, they suck.
Now get cracking on some of this awesome shit!
We are finally into the fall television season. And by “finally”, I mean “Thank the Lord in Heaven abizzle!” If I had to force myself to watch one more episode of So You Think You Can Dance or reruns of Still Standing (ok, like I would EVER bother with Still Standing!), I may have off’d myself with the lone bullet I have sitting next to my bed. Ok, again, like I would have a lone bullet sitting next to my bed. Ok, AGAIN, too many tangents.
The following is a list of purely excellent television. Consider watching these shows if you believe in art and entertainment existing cohesively. And yes, they are ranked in order of excellence (well they were until I got to the end and gave up on that). If you disagree with the shows I’ve chosen, do me a favor and shaddup. I’m not in the mood for that bullshit today.
Lez begin lezzies:
Lost: First and foremost is this absolutely wonderful show from J.J. Abrams. Holy fuck this show is awesome. I’m sure there aren’t many of you that would be ignorant enough to miss this show during the second season. If so, I highly encourage you to stop watching whatever lame shit you’re watching and commit to a show that is not only intriguing, it’s exciting, fast paced and chock full of some of the best acting performances currently on television. There is no chance that I will ever miss an episode of this Emmy Award winning drama and there’s no excuse for you to pretend as though you’ve got something better to do.
Nip/Tuck: True, I jumped on the bandwagon for this show a tad later than the die hard fans. But once I watched the first episode of this season, I was immediately hooked. If Julian McMahon isn’t enough to keep you hooked, I don’t know what is! The man has sex oozing out of his beautiful face. This season, there is a killer on the loose that goes by the name of the “Carver”. He’s creepy and he ass raped my dear Julian (and FX showed it all!). There was no turning away from the television during that bold and shocking scene. Last season, one of the main female characters was revealed as a transsexual and threesomes occur more often that Beverly Hills women go under the knife. Trust me…this show will knock your dainty little socks off.
Desperate Housewives: If you happen to be one of the very few people that don’t watch Lost nor Desperate Housewives, please go flush your head in the toilet out of pure shame. The women from Wysteria Lane are back for more drama and hilarity. The season opener ushered us faithfuls back in with gusto! Is Zach dead or alive? Who the FUCK is Alfre Woodard feeding in her basement? And Marcia Cross’s portrayal of “Bree” should nab her a dozen or so awards in the upcoming year. She’s fierce to the point of excellence. And for those of you that think Eva Longoria is in any way the star of this show, you must immediately pull your head out of the toilet and insert it in your ass. You have so much to learn.
Survivor: Gautemala: There’s a reason why this show still ranks in the Nielson top 10 every week. It’s addictive, good fun, with the best reality casting on television. The challenges have gotten ridiculously dangerous and the players are more cut throat and brutal than ever. I must also mention that fan favorite “Stephanie” is back for a second attempt at the million dollar prize. God, I’ve never loved a woman so much. I’m borderline hetero for that chick. Our host, Jeff Probst, has gotten increasingly smarmy over the years and it’s downright hilarious to watch him verbally berate everyone that crosses his path. It’s not too late to pick up on the Survivor band wagon. Just do it now so that you can get to know the contestants before it really matters.
ER: Having been on the air for more than 10 years, this outstanding series has been under critical scrutiny for losing its edge. If you happened to see the roof collapse at the end of last season, then you know that critics often suck ass. Maura Tierney still reigns supreme and Linda Cardinelli is fast becoming second in line. The writing on this show is still fresh and they are constantly adding wonderful new actors to the line up. Look out for John Leguizamo and Kristen Johnston to join the show this year. If that’s not enough to force you to tune in, then must I remind you again how shocking these episodes turn out to be? Those of us that saw the eye pop out of that guy’s skull last year are still realing from it.
Medium: While I’m not usually one for shows that deal mostly with formulaic plot lines, this show has two things that most other shows don’t. First and foremost is actress Patricia Arquette. She’s always been a favorite of mine and her Emmy win just assured me that her quiet intensity has finally been recognized. Secondly, the show is on at 10pm on Mondays. If you can find something better to watch at that time, you let me know. Each story is wrapped up within an hour and most often, the visuals are stunning. Whoever is directing this series is doing a wonderful job! Not to be forgotten is Jake Weber who does an outstanding job as Patricia’s husband. It’s RARE to find a husband/wife dynamic that is more realistic and believable. I could watch these two sit in a room for an hour and still feel satisfied. I’ve yet to miss a single episode of this series and I’m proud to say that I picked it up on day one due to my utter devotion to everything Arquette (David excluded).
Invasion: The Jury is still out as to whether or not this show is worth it. But the jury is IN on the fact that Eddie Cibrian is a beautiful man that deserves at least the chance at success.
Weeds: “Little Boxes on the Hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky little boxes…” Don’t be one of those people that has Showtime and doesn’t watch Mary Louise Parker steal hearts! Sure, it’s no Queer as Folk, but it’s better than The L Word and also stars Elizabeth Perkins! You’d be crazy not to give this show a chance based on the fact that it’s only a half hour long a week! I take dumps that are longer than that. Who knew marijuana could be so funny and devastating at the same time!? Pack up that bowl, settle in with the munchies and prepare to both laugh AND cry.
South Park: The new season has yet to start, but if I were you (and I am), I would consider catching up on the episodes from last season. Your jaw will hit the floor and sometimes against your own will, you will find yourself laughing so hard that pee comes out. Then the pee will drip on the floor. You may not think that the “Terri Schiavo case”, “Stem cell research”, or the “Special Olympics is funny”, but that’s where you would be wrong. My heart breaks for everything and I STILL find this show hilarious because it doesn’t make any apologies for stepping over the line. The Simpsons used to be the kings of political satire, but that crown goes to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. At least for now. I’ll always hold The Simpsons in my heart of hearts. They’re just in a low period right now.
Ok…that should be enough to keep you all busy for a while. Now, I understand that some people aren’t into television as much as I am. And that’s understandable. We’re not all as pop culturally obsessed as I am. But if you’re someone who doesn’t even OWN a TV (RANDY), then I must immediately slap you for finding better things to do with your time.
Next week…look for the shows that are slowly causing me to cut myself into a million pieces. Meaning, they suck.
Now get cracking on some of this awesome shit!
